March 2018

Every day at the top right corner of my computer screen I am asked if I want to update my system. This has been going on for months, yet every day I drop down the menu to ‘remind me tomorrow.’

Whenever there is an upgrade or update, I purposely wait until it’s been tested in the mass market and all the bugs worked out and confirm with those who know better than me than all my programs will work. Once those hurdles are cleared, the procrastination sets in.

Initially I always somehow truly believe that I will quickly get around to doing it, thinking that when I am reminded tomorrow I will either do it or set it to happen overnight. I know it is that easy. The next day, I realize it would be just as easy to set it to go tomorrow, and I click that option again. There is no telling how long this will go on – primarily because I forget about the whole thing as soon as I make the in-my-face notice go away and when I see the notice again the next day, I don’t ‘feel like it’, so again it goes undone.

I don’t know what my record is for procrastinating, but I generally miss a couple of update versions before I do it. Lately, though, each time I see the notice I actively wonder when the tomorrow will actually come. When will I be motivated to click that button, and what will be the instigation? I am in what some psychologists might call a ‘precontemplation’ phase, where I am preparing to do something by thinking about it.

I can’t explain the reasoning behind it. The issue isn’t whether or not I need to update, as my work proceeds without problem, it’s why something so easy and helpful has become a “thing.”  I feel no fear around updating, see no reason not to, and it takes no effort for me to do it, but yet I can’t seem to push myself to make it happen. Maybe it’s part of my aversion to being told what to do.  And the days go on.

Perhaps this blog will be the catalyst. If so, I’ll let you know!

Today is my mother’s birthday. She would be 81 had she not died in 1985 just two month’s prior to her 48^th.   It is hard for me to picture what she might look like at 81. I’ve seen my father age to (now) 82 and the difference is pretty dramatic compared to photos from the last year of my mom’s life.

Before I began talking about my mother’s suicide, my memories of her were very flat, based on the real or imagined photos I was left with of specific moments and events. When I did open up, she came back to life in my mind in a way. The memories I had became more three dimensional, and many that had been packed away returned.

I then began placing her in current-day situations and conversations to get a sense of what she might say or do, how she would react to world events, or her thoughts about my life – personally and professionally. In all these scenarios everyone else is present-day, while she remains in looks, energy, and attitude, the 1985 Debbie Golden, or my version of her. My mom is forever 47.

It’s a little odd to think about since I’m now a bit older than that, but a mother is always a mother so even if I get to be 81, that beautiful young woman I’m hanging out with in my mind will still be mom – forever loved and missed.

I knew this last weekend would be intense. I was organizing a large volunteer event for Saturday, right in the middle of the week I was helping a friend through major surgery. Both were things I wanted to do and deeply cared about so was planning on being on my best behavior.

A presentation I was creating for the volunteer event took longer than I expected causing a severe lack of sleep for two nights prior to the event, and the little life things I wanted/needed to do for myself fell by the wayside. Without going into any details, let’s just say my friend and I ended up fighting in her hospital room and then again at her home. Everything she said hit me wrong, and my reactions can be rash, oppositional, and – I am sure – hurtful. I felt horrible as it was happening but could not stop it. I felt self-righteous, indignant, and decided I never wanted to talk to a human again.

I was ready to run for the hills but to my friend’s credit – and the fact that I still had to pack all my stuff that I threw around in a search for my keys or something – she wanted to talk it out and get to the bottom of it.

We concluded I was overtired, overcommitted, overwhelmed, and not attending to my own needs. It’s my usual MO but it got to me this time. I likely lashed out at her because it was “safe” to do so – a kind of friend that’s like a sister that isn’t going to go anywhere.   I hope she won’t, anyway.

I feel shame for fighting with someone in such a vulnerable position. I feel guilt for adding to her stress and anxiety. I’ve been ruminating about it all day. It does not make me feel good about myself. I don’t want to be that person.

I Googled “irritation” to see what generally causes it and found a site with a 7 minute free test (basic assessment and extended both free but for extended you have to put in your email to receive it.)

https://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/symptoms/close-irritability

My symptoms are currently high. I’ve always had anxiety and have snapped before but I didn’t realize just how much it was hitting me. Now I have to work on controlling it more. Something else to add to the list – the same list that causes all the anxiety in the first place. But I’m making this week about me and getting through a lot of that list so when someone needs my help next, my mind will be available for them.

Volunteering at the International Documentary Association’s Docu Day where all the Oscar nominated documentaries screen back to back got me thinking about the word “snub” that is used endlessly during Hollywood’s award season as apparently any film not nominated was “snubbed.” So I’m going to vent about it.

According to the internet, the word snub means “rebuff, ignore, or spurn disdainfully.” It’s very negative. There can only be so many nominees (unless they keep adding like they did for Best Picture, which I think is a bit much now), but there are a slew of films every year, many of which are talked about as shoe-ins. But if the voting is sacred and private, could there really be enough momentum about any film to ‘spurn disdainfully’ certain actors, directors, writers, or producers? More importantly, I see awards as being given or voted about for someone or something, not against all the others. So if the votes tally up for Best Actor, film, director or any other category, that is the winner.

I may be completely wrong about the whole thing and everyone is in cahoots picking and choosing winners, but I think that would take more work than anyone working in the film industry has time for.

I was reading some celebrity intrigue on the internet this week and, in an article about a supposed feud between Kate Middleton and Princess Beatrice, one reason for the bad feelings was that Beatrice’s mother was not invited to Kate and Prince William’s wedding – with Beatrice, her sister, and father attending. Now that’s clearly a snub!