I knew this last weekend would be intense. I was organizing a large volunteer event for Saturday, right in the middle of the week I was helping a friend through major surgery. Both were things I wanted to do and deeply cared about so was planning on being on my best behavior.
A presentation I was creating for the volunteer event took longer than I expected causing a severe lack of sleep for two nights prior to the event, and the little life things I wanted/needed to do for myself fell by the wayside. Without going into any details, let’s just say my friend and I ended up fighting in her hospital room and then again at her home. Everything she said hit me wrong, and my reactions can be rash, oppositional, and – I am sure – hurtful. I felt horrible as it was happening but could not stop it. I felt self-righteous, indignant, and decided I never wanted to talk to a human again.
I was ready to run for the hills but to my friend’s credit – and the fact that I still had to pack all my stuff that I threw around in a search for my keys or something – she wanted to talk it out and get to the bottom of it.
We concluded I was overtired, overcommitted, overwhelmed, and not attending to my own needs. It’s my usual MO but it got to me this time. I likely lashed out at her because it was “safe” to do so – a kind of friend that’s like a sister that isn’t going to go anywhere. I hope she won’t, anyway.
I feel shame for fighting with someone in such a vulnerable position. I feel guilt for adding to her stress and anxiety. I’ve been ruminating about it all day. It does not make me feel good about myself. I don’t want to be that person.
I Googled “irritation” to see what generally causes it and found a site with a 7 minute free test (basic assessment and extended both free but for extended you have to put in your email to receive it.)
https://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/symptoms/close-irritability
My symptoms are currently high. I’ve always had anxiety and have snapped before but I didn’t realize just how much it was hitting me. Now I have to work on controlling it more. Something else to add to the list – the same list that causes all the anxiety in the first place. But I’m making this week about me and getting through a lot of that list so when someone needs my help next, my mind will be available for them.
