I knew this last weekend would be intense. I was organizing a large volunteer event for Saturday, right in the middle of the week I was helping a friend through major surgery. Both were things I wanted to do and deeply cared about so was planning on being on my best behavior.
A presentation I was creating for the volunteer event took longer than I expected causing a severe lack of sleep for two nights prior to the event, and the little life things I wanted/needed to do for myself fell by the wayside. Without going into any details, let’s just say my friend and I ended up fighting in her hospital room and then again at her home. Everything she said hit me wrong, and my reactions can be rash, oppositional, and – I am sure – hurtful. I felt horrible as it was happening but could not stop it. I felt self-righteous, indignant, and decided I never wanted to talk to a human again.
I was ready to run for the hills but to my friend’s credit – and the fact that I still had to pack all my stuff that I threw around in a search for my keys or something – she wanted to talk it out and get to the bottom of it.
We concluded I was overtired, overcommitted, overwhelmed, and not attending to my own needs. It’s my usual MO but it got to me this time. I likely lashed out at her because it was “safe” to do so – a kind of friend that’s like a sister that isn’t going to go anywhere. I hope she won’t, anyway.
I feel shame for fighting with someone in such a vulnerable position. I feel guilt for adding to her stress and anxiety. I’ve been ruminating about it all day. It does not make me feel good about myself. I don’t want to be that person.
I Googled “irritation” to see what generally causes it and found a site with a 7 minute free test (basic assessment and extended both free but for extended you have to put in your email to receive it.)
My symptoms are currently high. I’ve always had anxiety and have snapped before but I didn’t realize just how much it was hitting me. Now I have to work on controlling it more. Something else to add to the list – the same list that causes all the anxiety in the first place. But I’m making this week about me and getting through a lot of that list so when someone needs my help next, my mind will be available for them.