I think – I hope – when I look back at 2018 in years to come, it will flash by like a montage in a movie that connects a moment of revelation to the important action that determines a character’s purposeful and happy future path.
In many ways I’ve been living a dream existence for a little over a year. My love of dogsitting grew word-of-mouth into an almost fulltime gig. I’ve been lucky to pick up clients who live in beautiful homes, many with pools, where I stay with the various dogs and cats I’ve now fallen in love with – like Gigi, pictured above. This existence has allowed me the time and space to focus on my documentary project, volunteering, and have the sense of freedom that I seem to crave.
Unfortunately, the forces of anxiety and depression were strong with me this year – something that all of these wonderful things couldn’t keep at bay. This thwarting of desire to enjoy and be present in this unique chunk of my life devoted to my passion project added to the overall frustration I felt with myself and the world and my sense of hopelessness.
The lessons learned over the years from my constant struggles with these energy-zapping conditions sent me back to therapy later rather than sooner, but way earlier in a spiral down than before! Basically, my need to serve others overwhelmed and conflicted with the expectations I put on myself to get through the “to-do” lists of my own life and the film.
Since then I’ve made some baby-steps toward creating boundaries with others and being more realistic about what I can accomplish in a day. Instead of always setting myself up to fail and focusing on what I don’t get done, I’m trying to pave my road with little wins by acknowledging what I doget done. My resolution for the coming year is get keep getting incrementally better at that.
I’m excited for 2019 as it will start the next chapter in my life. On January 28 filming will officially begin for The Silent Goldens documentary! I’ll continue writing blogs and include production news as we work. Additionally, I will soon be launching an interview series on this site with other suicide loss survivors about their own choice to speak out publicly with their stories.
Thank you to all who have been following this journey through these posts. I’m fascinated to see what comes next and I hope to keep you interested as well! I wish you all health, happiness, love, and good communication with others in your life as we approach the New Year. To those who need it, I add my wishes of and healing, comfort, and peace.